Day 50: What I deserve

I have no desire whatsoever to get back together with him. I suppose I deserve props for that.

But I’m not really in a good place today.

I guess  what I’m obsessing over is why on Earth I stayed in the relationship so long. How long would it have dragged on had he not ended it — totally unilaterally —  50 days ago? How long would I have stayed in what was basically a sexless relationship before I was tempted to stray? How long would I have subverted my adventurous, outdoorsy, wanderlusty side before the resentment devoured me? Did I really prefer being unwanted, undesired and held back to being alone? What’s wrong with me that I was willing to sell myself so short? Am I that girl?

I’d really like to take what I’ve learned from this experience, and from other failures, and make sure I do things right if and when I meet someone else. But I really, really don’t trust my own judgment. At all. I have a pretty good head on my shoulders when it comes to most things in life: I’m not in debt, I keep myself healthy, I’m gainfully employed, I have good friends. But when it comes to love, I’m just utterly delusional. I always promise myself that I’ll keep my wits about me next time, but over and over again I end up crushed and disappointed. Despite his assessment of my character, I am inherently an optimistic person, but it’s getting harder and harder to stay that way.

I just don’t get how I can do this again.  I don’t get how people meet the right people and marry them and procreate. I know it happens, but I just don’t get how. I don’t know what it is to be in a happy relationship.

***

On a happier note… I went to see Arcade Fire the other night and it was AWESOME. Such a great, cathartic show. It was super fun, even though I had spent most of the day leading up to it nursing an epic hangover (that’s another story for another time). I was kind of hoping to run into the hiking guy who lent me his socks, who I knew was going. Just to see, you know? But I didn’t. There were a lot of people there. I was a little disappointed, but not overly.

Seinfeld Shoes (how he’ll henceforth be known) “liked” my Facebook status, which was something about being excited for the show. Why he felt the need to weigh in, I don’t know. And then later his status was about how he’s the only person he knows without kids who didn’t go. He’s sort of indifferent towards music. He certainly doesn’t care for live music.  I, on the other hand, am passionate about music. My entire inner monologue is set to a soundtrack. Music connects to my soul at a very deep level. So why did I think I could make it work with a guy who’s out of sync with me in this very fundamental way? At least I don’t have to avoid any of my music collection because of him…

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