Apparently my mom, dad, aunt and uncle had a long discussion about setting me up on a date with “Cantor Ben.”
For those goyem who don’t know, a cantor is the guy (or sometimes gal…but usually guy) who does most of the singing at synagogue. Cantor Ben’s got a great set of pipes. He can nail the high notes like Whitney could before the crack. But about half-way through the service, when the craving for bagels and lox kicks in, you kind of want him to move it along and stop being such a show-off.
Anyway… Cantor Ben is young-ish and a perennial bachelor (to our knowledge). Today at Synagogue my mom and aunt were nudging me about him, half-jokingly. My mom obviously knows I’m single now. Last my aunt heard, I was dating a goy, which may as well mean I’m on the market.
My threats to eat a bacon cheeseburger in front of Cantor Ben drew that conversation to an abrupt close. I was not in the mood. Today was the first time in about three years that I’d set foot in a synagogue, and I spent most of the interminable service regretting it. I’m more certain than ever that god doesn’t exist, but that’s a different topic for a different blog.
That said, one of the benefits of not being a garden-variety WASP is that I get not one, but two, new years. Two fresh starts per annum. In fact, it’s the Jewish new year now (L’Shana Tova, to those who observe).
So let’s make some resolutions, shall we?
1 – Eat more local, organic, sustainable food.
2 – Cook for my friends. I keep meaning to have dinner parties, but never do.
3 – Keep up the active lifestyle. Lots of gym, hikes, bikes etc.
4 – Don’t rush into a relationship just because I’m bored and lonely.
5 – If I ever do start dating again, don’t stay in an unsatisfying relationship just because I’m afraid of being bored and lonely.
6 – Try being happy for friends who actually have been successful in the love department instead of being bitter and resentful that they have what I don’t.
7 – Don’t turn down invitations to go out when I’m just feeling kind of blah. I always get into it once I’m there. It’s getting my butt out the door that’s a challenge.
8 – Don’t be so cranky all the time.
9 – Buy a car, even though it’s intimidating.
10 – Actively try to move to a new city, but not without finding a stable job first. The only thing worse than being chronically single is being chronically single and LIVING WITH YOUR PARENTS. I’ve been here visiting them for less than two days and — bless their hearts — they’re driving me a wee bit batty.